5 Deadly Terms Used by a Woman

I have recently seen this image floating around social media. An infographic about 5 phrases women use that mean something very different than what is coming out of their mouth. I’m not sure if this an attempt at humor or a way to truly help others decode women. Either way, I cringe each time I see it.

Accepting these “terms” as the secret to finally understanding a woman is accepting indirect and passive communication as the answer. As marriage and family therapists, we could never allow this to be the best conclusion. Instead, we have a few tips to shut this advice down and find something far more effective:

1. Say what you mean.

Simply put- clear and direct communication is best. Tone, body language, and attitude should match the words being vocalized. Using sarcasm is not best when trying to communicate something you hope to be heard by your partner. If things aren’t fine, don’t say “It’s fine.”

2. Ask for direct communication.

If you are picking up on sarcasm or any of the other “traps” from the deadly terms used above, request some clarity and directness. If you hear “Nothing” in response to “What’s wrong?”, ask if that is truly the case or not. If are hearing something other than the deadly phrases mentioned above but you know he or she is signaling something else, ask “What do you need?” or “Help me understand what you are asking.”

3. Redirect the indirect.

Will speaking to your partner directly about your needs and feelings be new to your relationship? If so, it may take some time and consistency to reteach both of your habits. Let me give a classic scenario to help me illustrate:

Spouse #1: I need to go to the grocery store.

Spouse #2: Would you like me to come with?

Spouse #1: Only if you want to come with…

Pause right there. I know how the rest of this conversation goes. There is an exchange about “Well not really but if you want me to I will” and then “Well if you don’t want to then don’t go!” and so on down the spiral of confusion and anger. Here is exactly where I would redirect again to the original question: “Would you like me to come with?”. Ask it again. The answer should either be yes or no. Don’t give up on that original question until you get the answer. This prevents the spiral, allows each person to identify what they want to happen, and will build trust between the two of you. Over time, hearing, “I don’t know” will truly mean and be heard as “I don’t know”. Simple, direct, clear, and not deadly at all.

As much as I enjoy sarcasm, I never advertise it as effective communication. Effective communication is when the words, the tone, and the body language all match the meaning. Seems so simple but so many people struggle with this. So give simplicity and directness a try. Give it a chance to work through the challenges of change and let us know how it goes in the comment section below.