The mistake that many of us make in trying to understand relationships is that we buy into the idea that there is some special formula or recipe for success.  One that can be applied to any couple in any situation that will immediately make things better.  Unfortunately, there isn’t, and our desire to understand often leaves us grasping at straws. 

Yet even though there are no hard and fast rules on the matter, everybody seems to have an opinion.  From the clerk at the grocery store to the barber down the street.  People always seem to know what you “need” to do.  Portraying themselves as “experts” while trying to convince you to buy into their suggestions.  They attempt to sell what works for them as some universal truth about healthy relationships. 

The problem is that many of these “truths” are based on flawed logic.  The logic being that what works for some works for all.  Today we are going to take a closer look at some of the more common beliefs that people have about happy couples and talk about why these beliefs may not be so true after all.

1. Happy Couples Never Go To Bed Angry.

You’ve probably heard this one before, either from your grandparents or at a wedding when they ask the couple that’s been married the longest to give some advice to the newlyweds.

While using other’s experiences can be helpful in avoiding unnecessary pitfalls in life, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that this relationship strategy just isn’t effective for everybody.  In fact, for some, it may even be more detrimental.

Conflict between romantic partners often triggers a number of personal insecurities and anxieties.  This anxiety can make us want to hash everything out right then and there, while for others, it makes them want to withdraw to the safety of being alone for a while.  It is this opposition in partners’ needs that makes managing conflict so difficult to navigate.

Continuing to argue or debate about a specific issue until there is agreement or resolution (sleep be damned), often leads to ineffective solutions that are based more on exhaustion than anything else.  This increases the likelihood that the solution will be temporary and will only work until the problem arises again.

Takeaway: Sometimes it’s better to take a break from a disagreement to re-gather your thoughts and process your feelings before returning to the conversation, even if it means “sleeping on it”.

2. Happy Couples Do Everything Together

This is another major misconception about healthy relationships. While it’s true that for long-term relationship success couples must enjoy each other’s company and should regularly spend one-on-one time together. It doesn’t mean that a couple needs to be joined at the hip.

In fact, many research studies have shown that it is important for couples to have their own interests, hobbies, and friend groups.  Research also suggests that happy couples regularly spend time apart from one another engaging in these activities, and that these individuals report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.  Remember the old saying, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”?  This may be an example of that truth in action.

Takeaway: Couples who have a healthy balance of time spent together vs. time apart often report greater overall relationship satisfaction.

3. Happy Couples Will Always Be Physically Attracted to Each other

In a perfect world, our partners would always find us as physically attractive as the day we met.  But our world is far from perfect and you can thank biology for this one.

Research shows that sexual and physical attraction naturally diminishes over time because attraction is directly tied to the novelty of the stimulus we are observing.  This is part of the reason why a diminished attraction to our partner is completely normal. 

Think of it like this.  Many of us have a favorite food that we think we could eat every day, but if we actually ate it every day, it would likely lose some of its appeal.  That doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t still be our favorite food though.

The beauty of happy couples is that as time goes on, passion and attraction evolves from the more lust-based visible attraction that we experience at the start of a relationship, to one that is based on emotional intimacy and shared connections and experience.

Takeaway: There is nothing wrong with you or your relationship if you aren’t in physical awe of your partner at all times.  This is normal and is not necessarily indicative of a greater relationship problem.

There are plenty of happy couples that have sex once or twice a month and describe themselves as completely sexually satisfied.  The reality is that the frequency of sexual intercourse alone does not lead to higher levels of relationship satisfaction.  What is more important when it comes to sexual satisfaction in a relationship is being on the same page with your partner.  Regular conversations about our sexual wants and needs is a great place to start. 

Takeaway: Have a conversation with your partner about how often you’d like to be having sex based on their wants and needs as well as your own.

5. Happy Wife equals Happy Life.

While most people use this as a joking expression, there are still many who believe this to be true.

Self-sacrifice is a part of any romantic relationship. We all have to give up certain things to make a relationship work, even if it’s just giving up being single. We give these things up because romantic relationships bring us many benefits that we wouldn’t otherwise have. It’s also true though that most couples don’t have identical lists of wants and needs. Many times we are forced to give in to compromise for the betterment of the relationship.

But this advice suggests that we should always give in to the wishes of our partner, subverting our own wants and needs because it will make life easier.

While this approach may work in the short-term.  We actually find that it can lead to a number of difficulties down the road including increased conflict and even relationship termination. This occurs because those who attempt to live by this strategy eventually get frustrated that their needs are not being met and their attempts to change this dynamic later on are often met with defensiveness and resistance.

It is important for both individuals in a relationship to listen and be heard. Everyone needs to feel that they have a voice in such an important aspect of their lives. Healthy relationships are those that are best able to find a balance of give and take.

Takeaway: Relationships that last are typically those in which both individuals’ thoughts, feelings, and wishes are heard and respected.