Keeping Love Alive After Kids

Have you ever wondered why so many parents with children get divorced or report dissatisfaction in their marriages and relationships?  Why does it seem so hard to keep the love alive after having kids?  What if I was to tell you that part of this is a direct result of having kids?  Would you change your mind and decide not to have any?  Probably not.

Kids bring so many wonderful things to our lives. We feel pride in their accomplishments, sadness in their times of struggle, but ultimately a tremendous amount of hope for what they can and will become. It is significant too, that we choose to have children even though we are well aware of the stress and burdens that raising them can be.  What many parents fail to think about is how having children changes their lives in ways that negatively impact their relationship with their spouse or significant other.

Marital Satisfaction Research

It is well-established in research that having children causes a significant decrease in relationship satisfaction.  Much of this research started in the 1970s and has been consistently reproduced in newer studies time and again.  One of the major findings of these studies is that there is a negative relationship between relationship satisfaction and the number of children we have.  That is that the more children one has the greater the level of dissatisfaction.  This likely makes sense to many of us as we know that the stress and requirements of caring for one child is significantly less than that of caring for 2, or 3, or 4.

Other studies have shown that relationship satisfaction is lowest for mothers when children are in infancy.  Moms bare a significantly higher burden in providing direct child care if for no other reason than because no matter how hard dad’s try, lactation is not their specialty.  Lots of moms thoroughly enjoy this stage but these responsibilities come with added stress.  If not careful, this stress can easily be projected onto others, including our significant other. 

Perhaps most significant is that research tells us that relationship satisfaction dramatically increases after children have left the home and parents become empty-nesters.  This is further confirmation that there is something about having children that causes this decline in the quality of a couple’s relationship.  The question that we must answer if we are to understand why is how our relationship changes after a child’s birth.

Children’s Impacts on Relationship Satisfaction

Many people think that the impact that children have on relationship satisfaction is simply a result of the increased stress that caring for them brings.  While this common sense explanation holds up well given that higher levels of stress tend to result in increases in conflict, irritability, and friction with our significant other, it does not provide a complete understanding of the picture.  So what is it beyond the stress of being a parent that hurts our relationships?

It is because having children fundamentally changes the structure of your relationship with your partner.  Prior to having kids, most couples are focused on spending time together.  They have regular one-on-one time, go out on dates, and have the opportunity to just enjoy each other’s company.  For many, all of that changes after the birth of a child. 

After the birth of a child, parents are forced to put their own wants and needs aside in order to care for such a helpless being.  They become hyper-focused on raising the child and learning to adapt to the unique stressors that arise from each stage of the child’s journey to adulthood.  For first-time parents this can feel like a game of perpetual catch-up, where as soon as they’ve gotten a handle on things, boom, the next developmental milestone is reached changing the game entirely.  It’s tiresome work.

As our energy is warn down by the constant responsibility we tend to put less effort into our other priorities, including our relationship.  So slowly we stop going out on dates, we stop setting aside time for one-on-one conversation, and for many, physical intimacy and sex become an extremely rare or non-existent “luxury”.  How can we expect our relationships to thrive if we don’t take the time to give them the love and attention they require.  So don’t wait, get started today.

Check back later this week for Pt. 2 of Keeping Love Alive After Kids for some quick tips on how to strengthen your relationship.