Couples often come in for counseling in a state of crisis.  Maybe because they recently experienced infidelity, the loss of a child, a new medical diagnosis, etc.  These experiences can leave couples feeling lost, scared, disconnected, and desperate for help.  It can impair their ability to function in healthy ways.  What is interesting is that for some couples, the relationship actually begins to thrive when times get tough.  With these couples, the greatest concern is what happens when the crisis resolves.

The Mask of Crisis

Experiencing a crisis can actually have many positive effects on a relationship and some couples find that they function best when tackling these issues.  Some couples benefit from the distraction that the crisis provides from the other relationship issues that are typically more noticeable.  Others experience a closer emotional connection that stems from working together to resolve the crisis.  Doing so requires us to focus on better communicating our needs, listening to our partners, and finding ways that we can care for each other. The effect can be addicting but to succeed long-term, these couples must find a way to translate these skills into life outside of when they are dealing with crises. 

From Crisis to Maintenance

It’s natural for couples to experience relief when a crisis is resolved and most are excited to get back to the “normalcy” of day-to-day life.  What is problematic is how the resolution of a crisis changes our priorities.  When couples enter the “maintenance” phase that follows a crisis they don’t always feel the same need or sense of urgency to prioritize their relationship, maintaining communication, and emotional connection, etc.  This often leads to a slow disconnection over time as individuals slip back into old habits. 

The questions these couples have to answer is: How can we continue feeling connected and close? How do we carve out time to prioritize one another? How can I let my partner know that I desire and care for them? These answers are just as important now as they were during the crisis.

How to Avoid the Trap

Avoiding this regression often requires making a conscious effort to remain engaged with your partner in ways that the crisis naturally inspired.  Things like open communication, regular check-ins, and emotional and physical support, etc.  Ultimately, the cost of a quality relationship isn’t discounted because of how little free time you have, what you have on your to-do list, or how many mental resources you must devote to make things work.  Relationships will always require work despite the circumstances.  Couples that thrive outside of crisis situations are those put in the time and actively pursue connection.

So what have you done today to make your partner feel loved? What have you done today to make your partner feel like a priority? What have you done today to make your partner feel appreciated? Are you fully present and in-the-moment with your partner?  Asking yourself these simple questions on a regular basis can keep you out of the trap of thriving in crisis but feeling disconnected in its absence.

What are your experiences? Do your relationships thrive in peaks of crisis or do you connect more in the valleys? Let us know in the comment section below.